Cocktail Party Primer: Pirates, Paris, and Britney! Britney! Britney!

This week in the Cocktail Party Primer: Veronica Mars suffers from a lack of Pussycat attitude; Courtney Love organizes a garage sale; Anna Nicole’s baby is officially an American; and Britney just can’t help being Britney. Here’s everything you need to know to sparkle around the water cooler or in line for a latte this week.

CELEBRITY GOSSIP

Let’s hope that Baby Phat makes a belly-baring orange jumpsuit for Paris Hilton to wear during her upcoming 45 days in the clink. Apparently, the judge didn’t buy it when she pleaded innocence on the grounds that her assistants didn’t tell her that her license had been suspended. Her agent says the experience should be great for Paris’s career, as the LA County Jail houses the only people in the city she hasn’t yet been videotaped sleeping with.

New papa Larry Birkhead brought daughter Dannielynn from the Bahamas to the US. I’m sure this modern-day Ward Cleaver is ready to settle down, buy a house and a puppy, and give Dannielynn a normal life. If, by normal, you mean dodging the paparazzi, only seeing your grandmother in court, and selling your story to NBC for six figures.

Courtney Love says her house is like a “mausoleum” and that she wants to move on. She’s talking to Christie’s, the same auction house that sold the possessions of Princess Diana, Marilyn Monroe, and Napoleon, about clearing out some of Kurt Cobain’s belongings. Christie’s: Your Source for the Artifacts of Those Who Died Tragically Young, Since 1766.

If you want to experience the understated elegance of classic New England living and have an extra ten million dollars lying around, why not put on some loafers, tie a cardigan over your shoulders, and buy Fifty Cent’s estate in Farmington, CT? Formerly owned by Mike Tyson, it’s loaded with such amenities as a gym, a spa, and a movie theater. Worried that it might be too hip-hop fabulous and not enough old guard refinement? Don’t fret, Fifty’s realtor insists to the Hartford Courant, “It’s all very tasteful, except the stripper poles.”

TV NEWS

Never afraid to cash in on trends, Mark Burnett has released the identities of the cast for his upcoming show, Pirate Master. Burnett says the 16 contestants "knew a lot about the world of pirates, and all agree had they been born 250 years ago, they’d have like to have been pirates." When asked to elaborate, Burnett continued, “Each is desperate to have a limb replaced by a rough wooden stump, can’t wait to subsist on weevil-ridden hardtack, and is just passionate about contracting scurvy.”

Amber Tamblyn, who used to talk to God on Joan of Arcadia, is set to commune with the undead next fall on CBS’s Babylon Fields. The new dramedy will follow the recently risen as they try to deal with family drama and integrate into society. At last, MTV won’t be the only network with brain-dead, glassy-eyed young people spouting wooden dialogue.

Despite rumors to the contrary, Veronica Mars has not been canceled, insists show creator Rob Thomas. It rests in limbo between cancellation and renewal after Pussycat Dolls Present: The Search for the Next Doll got great ratings in Mars‘ timeslot. Hoping to carry the Dolls’ message of women’s empowerment over to the ailing Mars, CW executives have suggested that halter tops and torn fishnets might be just the ticket to help the feisty sleuth if she wants to keep solving mysteries next season.

BRITNEY! BRITNEY! BRITNEY!

Devoted Britney fans spent $125 to go to the House of Blues, wait for three hours, and then watch Britney lip-sync for fifteen minutes while accompanied by two moderately skanky backup dancers. For that kind of cash, you could put on some hot pants, take two friends to a karaoke bar, get everybody trashed on Jaeger, and still have enough left over for a Jamba Juice on the way to rehab in the morning.

Grass grew, paint dried, and once again, Britney invited the world to be her gynecologist. People everywhere say, “Meh.”

The National Enquirer reports that last fall, Britney received a stuffed bear as a gift for her kids. Apparently, the dastardly teddy’s belly contained a secret transmitter that allowed the perpetrator to record the Brit’s secret conversations, including fights with K-Fed. The guy then tried to blackmail her for the cash to keep quiet. The flaw in his plan? Considering the dismal failure of Britney & Kevin: Chaotic, it’s pretty obvious that no one has ever cared what the former trailer trash lovebirds say to one another.

QUICK HITS

Studio 60 will return to NBC. After sweeps. Past your bedtime. And only in Iowa and Delaware.

The sculptor who brought us Britney Spears giving birth on a bearskin rug, now graces the art world with his message against drunk driving, “Paris Hilton Autopsy.”

Former American Idol Top 10 Finalist and current Hooters employee Jessica Sierra was arrested for cocaine possession and aggravated battery after cracking a guy upside the head with a cocktail glass. She probably mistook him for Simon Cowell.

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Posted in Cocktail Party Primer, Professional

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