Cocktail Party Primer: The Only Thing Lindsay Lohan Stole Was Our Hearts

This week in the Rumor Mill: Tom Cruise may get to “act” like he’s gay, ABC clones Sex and the City over and over again, and the horrible mental image of a naked Michael Jackson. Plus, the Pussycat Dolls pole-dance all over Veronica Mars fans’ hearts. Here’s the best and the juiciest news you can use, plucked ripe from the gossip tree.

A police report filed in April claimed Lindsay Lohan stole $10,000 worth of clothes from a home where a friend was housesitting. This week, the district attorney declined to file charges due to lack of evidence. So while Lindsay may an alcoholic train wreck, any time she’s photographed flashing her hoohah, we can be certain she paid for the clothes that are failing to cover her bits.

If you’re in the market for a naked painting of Michael Jackson with boys, this isn’t your lucky day. Wacko Jacko memorabilia obtained by a former Jackson business partner who’s now in bankruptcy will be auctioned in Las Vegas. To the dismay of creepy pedophiles and even creepier Jackson ephemera collectors, the sex aids, skin whitening creams, and aforementioned paintings won’t be included in the sale.

They say true love conquerors all, and by golly, it looks as though it might be true. Almost exactly 15 years after she shot his wife in the face, Amy Fisher and Joey Buttafuoco were seen having an intimate dinner in New York. What with the statutory rape, attempted murder, prison sentences, and tell-all books — as well as Joey’s undying mullet — these people make Romeo and Juliet look like Ryan Gosling and Rachel McAdams.

CW announced that cult favorite Veronica Mars will not return next season. Instead, the network will air another season of Pussycat Dolls Present: The Search for the Next Doll and some “dating show about a farmer looking for a new wife.” CW execs said, “Now that Gilmore Girls is off the air, it’s high time to show our young female viewers the way the world really works. If they want to succeed, their best bet is to get half-naked and snag a husband in as degrading a way as possible.”

United Artists head weirdo — I mean, honcho — Tom Cruise is in the early stages of develop for a sequel to The Birdcage. No word on whether Cruise plans to star, but if he did, it would surely be the role he was born to play. Just as Olivier defined Hamlet, and Stallone will always be Rocky, Cruise would shine in the role he’s been training for all his life: a gay man pretending to be straight.

NBC may have snagged Lipstick Jungle, but the real place to go for the mutant spawn of Sex and the City next fall will be ABC. Between Cashmere Mafia, Women’s Murder Club, and Carpoolers, the network seems to have given up laboring over original TV concepts. It’s easier to just get four characters of the same gender together, have them complain about their sex lives, and lather, rinse, repeat until all the programming can be canceled and replaced with reality shows.


Style triumphed over substance on American Idol when when the truly talented Melinda Doolittle got the axe in favor of a white guy who beat-boxes.

For Jessica Simpson, once again, her fairy tale romance with a better musician is over. Jess and John Mayer have split.

Paris Hilton will only have to serve about half of her jail sentence. I assume this is at the desperate request of her future cellmate.

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