Cocktail Party Primer: Paris is the Love Child of O.J. and Anna Nicole

This week in The Rumor Mill: Paris in jail makes her sex tape seem reserved, Lindsay Lohan’s mom tells lies, both "Sex in the City" and all of the 1980s make a comeback, and the price will never be right again. Here’s your cheat sheet to the trashy happenings everyone is talking about.

And if you thought Paris Hilton’s life was already a circus of late Roman empire proportions, you ain’t seen nothing yet.

A quick summary of the saga that is As the Paris Turns: Paris went
to jail where she was tortured by bologna sandwiches and a lack of
facial moisturizer. After a smidge more than three days, she was released
to her mansion with an ankle bracelet where she proceeded to plan a
party. The Sheriff cited an unidentified "medical problem." Cries that
the justice system had been deprived of all meaning abounded.  Back she went to court and back thereafter to jail, sobbing and under-coiffed, the news cameras and paparazzi swarming behind. Cries of “Mom, mom, mom!” were heard.

As a prissy, prissy princess who with a serious moisturizer habit
myself, I feel a twinge of sympathy. As a cold-hearted media addict,
this is like Santa and the Easter Bunny getting together to bring me a
candy-covered pony for my birthday. Either way, we’re through the
looking glass.

In a previous desperate plea for attention, Dina “World’s Best Mom” Lohan said she used to be a Rockette. It, turns out she made it up. Shocking, I know. A horrified source told the New York Post that it was like “claiming to have a degree from Harvard when you don’t.”  Of course the Rockettes are just like Harvard. If Harvard only accepted high-kicking tall girls who look good in tuxedo jackets.

After five months of idiotic homophobic remarks, cover your ass apologies, and a stint in anger counseling, Isaiah Washington was finally kicked off of "Grey’s Anatomy" ABC released a statement saying, “We strongly oppose prejudiced language of any kind. Especially the kind that ignoring doesn’t make go away and that causes half a year of undying bad publicity for a major cash cow show.”

ENTERTAINMENT NEWS
After 35 Plinko-filled years, Bob Barker taped his last episode of "The Price is Right". Now how will we find out how much we should expect to pay for laundry detergent without going over? What will we do all day if we can’t fantasize over the fabulous prizes in the Showcase Showdown? And, for the love of God, who’s going to remind us to spay and neuter our pets?

If you feel the urge to pop in a Debbie Gibson cassette or buy a snap bracelet and some parachute pants, don’t panic. With the announcement that Thundercats will be made into a movie, joining the upcoming Transformer, G.I. Joe, and He-Man flicks, 80s redux finally kicked into overdrive. Doctors recommend a course of emo-tinged garage rock and a few hours of World of Warcraft to help firmly ground you in the present.

Just as the show begins to fade from cultural relevancy, it looks like Sarah Jessica Parker and Kim Cattrall will bury the hatchet long enough to make the "Sex and the City" movie  a reality. It remains to be seen whether fans will dust off their Cosmo glasses to celebrate or if so much time has passed that they just aren’t that into it anymore.

QUICK HITS
The shockingly cruel Dutch show where contestants would compete for a kidney transplant was a hoax. Turns out they are the tulip-sniffing, pot-smoking pacifists we thought.

Jessica Simpson and John Mayer did something. . . lemme see. Maybe they’re adopting a baby. No? Oh, were they arrested for drunk driving? Guess not. I guess they broke up again.

Sexy British guy of the present, meet sexy British guy of the past: Peter O’Toole joins Jonathan Rhys Meyers on "The Tudors."

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