Cocktail Party Primer: Oh, Lindsay, What Would Herbie the Love Bug Say?

This week in the Rumor Mill: It’s Hard to be Miss USA, they’ve picked out Paris’ new roommate, and the Dutch are surprisingly cruel. But Lindsay’s the name that will be on everyone’s lips this weekend, so I might as well get to it.

CELEBRITY GOSSIP (All Lohan All the Time Edition)

After a DUI that crashed her Benz, possible cocaine possession, and photos that showed her puking on the sidewalk with her 30-day sobriety chip visible, Lindsay Lohan announced that she’s giving up acting, leaving Hollywood, and plans to buy a sheep ranch in Iowa. Oh, no, wait. All she did was check into Promises, the same rehab that clearly did such a bang-up job putting Brittney Spears on the straight and narrow.

 Shirley MacLaine and another producer for Lindsay’s upcoming film "Poor Thing" announced that they’re trying to rearrange shooting to work with the starlet’s rehab schedule. They also wished her “love and the blending of mind, body, and spirit.” That should prove an interesting change from blending dope, vodka, and other spirits.

Lindsay’s father Michael, a former jailbird who knows a little something about detox himself, showed what a deeply caring and supportive parent he is by using his daughter’s total breakdown to get some media attention. In an interview with E!, he said that Lindsay is addicted to both alcohol and OxyContin. He hopes she’ll follow his example and find religion. Know what’s even scarier than a dad airing his kid’s dirty laundry on TV? That in comparison to mom Dina, this almost makes him the good parent.

ENTERTAINMENT NEWS

Miss USA Rachel Smith tripped during the evening gown competition at the Miss Universe Pageant. It proved once and for all why America can’t seem to fix Social Security, conquer global warming, or land a man on Mars. Our best and brightest haven’t even mastered walking in high heels and smiling at the same time.

Have you ever dreamed of walking the corridors of Hogwarts, exploring the Forbidden Forest, or shopping in Hogsmeade Village? Of course you have, nerd! Universal Studios plans to fulfill all your magical fantasies at the Harry Potter theme park opening in 2009. It promises an immersive environment straight out of the books and movies that will thrill children and dorks like me. I, for one, plan to be first in line to ride the hippogriffs.

QUICK HITS

Keira Knightly may play Princess Di. Working title for the flick? Diana: The People’s Bony, Horse-Faced Princess.

The LA County Jail handpicked Paris’ soon-to-be cellmate, a woman serving time for reckless driving. No word on if her nickname is something like Big Bertha or Kimmie the Knife.

Let the wailing and tearing of garments begin. We can hardly frakkin’ believe it but Battlestar Gallactica will end next season.

Posted in Cocktail Party Primer, Professional
One comment on “Cocktail Party Primer: Oh, Lindsay, What Would Herbie the Love Bug Say?
  1. Bob says:

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