Cocktail Party Primer: Hey Trump! You’re Fired!

This week in The Cocktail Party Primer: Paula Abdul is accident prone, The Donald is out of a job, and Lindsay Lohan has no sense of her own irony. Plus, the charms of a former boy band star couldn’t keep that adorable Apolo Anton Ohno from winning a shiny mirror ball to hang next to his Olympic medals. Here’s what all the cool kids at all the sexy parties will be talking about this weekend.

Paula Abdul, who once testified before the California State Senate on the subject of her tragic manicure-related nail infection, broke her nose while trying to step over her Chihuahua, Tulip. Fortunately, Tulip was unhurt and her drink, a Mai Tai, was mercifully unspilled.

In a move that would put circa-1989 Corey Feldman to shame, Lindsay Lohan’s upcoming 21st birthday will be sponsored by Svedka Vodka. Sources say she shouldn’t have a problem with the traditional 21 shots, as she’s been practicing since she was in third grade.

After being called bizarre and delusional by her soon-to-be-ex-husband Coley Laffoon, Men in Trees star Anne Heche fired back that Coley craves poker, strippers and porn. Of course, if you woke up one day and realized you were married to someone who once claimed to have an alter ego named Celestia who was the half-sister of Jesus and who had contact with aliens, you’d probably desperate for distraction too.

Trump got a taste of his own medicine when NBC failed to pick up The Apprentice for another season. NBC issued a statement saying that ratings for the show weren’t good enough to justify the thousands of dollars per episode and five-man staff necessary for The Donald’s toupee maintenance.

Olympic medalist speed skater Apolo Anton Ohno beat out former N’Syncer Joey Fatone on Dancing with the Stars. Anxious to beat Ohno at his own game, Fatone announced he’s committing himself to improving his curling skills in time to appear on the upcoming Fox show So You Wanna be a Winter Olympian?

The View channeled Springer this week when the Rosie O’Donnell and the Elisabeth Hasselbeck nearly came to blows. First Hasselbeck accused O’Donnell of cheating on her with other shows. Next, Barbara Walters revealed she was secretly a man. Finally, we all waited anxiously for the results of Hasselbeck’s paternity test. Oh, wait, that’s what happened in my mind. In real life, they just argued about the Iraq war again.

Paris Hilton’s was spotted with a copy of the Bible. Most people wait until they’re in prison to find God, but Hilton’s a slow reader, so she thought she’d get a head start.

Newly christened porn star Katee Holmes is planning to lose her virginity in her first video. The original Katie Holmes hasn’t been that close to a real man in months.

Former Creed frontman Scott Stapp was arrested after a domestic dispute with his wife. He entered a plea of “the Lord commanded me,” and was released on bond.

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Posted in Cocktail Party Primer, Professional

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