Cocktail Party Primer: Drunk is the New Black

This week in The Rumor Mill: Jessica Simpson’s boobs are scary, Lost will make sense one day, and being drunk is fun but potentially embarrassing. Here’s what people will be talking about at all the best soirĂ©es, cocktail parties, and keggers this weekend.

Favorite hunks past and present took alcohol-fueled hits to their images this week. In the wake of Baywatch beefcake David Hasselhoff’s drunken struggle with a cheeseburger, squeaky-clean Extreme Makeover: Home Edition hottie Ty Pennington was arrested for DUI. If women wanted to fantasize about sloppy drunks, they’d keep their eyes open in bed.

Among the 134 people who scored an invite to the White House’s dinner in honor of Queen Elizabeth was Survivor alum and current The View conservative spokesblonde Elisabeth Hasselbeck. Sure, England may have given the world Shakespeare and Sir Isaac Newton, but only we could produce the Tribal Council and Rosie/The Donald feud.

Jessica Simpson’s boobs and lips were spotted at Pure nightclub in Las Vegas. No one was able to see past them well enough to determine if current boy-toy John Mayer, or indeed the rest of her body, bothered to tag along.

After the failure of sophisticated dramas Studio 60 and The Black Donnellys, NBC hoped Ashton Kutcher’s lowerbrow The Real Wedding Crashers might perk up the struggling timeslot. Alas, it was given the axe this week, after execs decided it didn’t do enough to capture the coveted lowest common denominator demographic. Already in development as a replacement: Jamie Kennedy’s Celebrity Has-Been Nut Smash.

After a spring of abysmal television ratings, networks are desperate for an explanation. Rejecting the idea that viewers were turned off by reruns and shows that get canceled after three episodes, or that more people are using DVRs, network execs blame the early return of Daylight Saving Time. Taking a cue from our prehistoric ancestors, plans are in the works to build a giant stone monolith to win back the favor of the sun gods and ensure the success of the fall lineup.

Remember the ’90s? Those halcyon years when Bill Clinton got blowjobs, the war in Iraq was a memory, and Saturday Night Live was funny? Lorne Michaels does. He took a trip down Jack Handy Lane with the NBC special SNL in the ’90s. Truly, those were the days. Party on, Wayne, party on.

To combat complaints that the show’s momentum has faltered, Lost producers announced the show will have a definitive end in 2010. Viewers wait anxiously to find out who will get off the island, why Mrs. Howell never ran out of clothes, and if the professor will ever get his coconut radio up and running.

As a favor from one blonde with a poor grasp of English to another, Paris asks Governor Arnie for a pardon.

Spider-Man 3 benefited from all the money nerds save by not taking girls on dates and made 148 bajillion dollars.

Rap impresario Kevin Federline called Brit’s new man singer-songwriter Howie Day "trash" and Kid Rock “the modern-day Cary Grant.”

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Posted in Cocktail Party Primer, Professional

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